The Fine Art of Listening

by Gary Hoffman

“Would you rather order in a pizza or maybe Chinese?” Tony asked.

“A sausage and mushroom pizza sounds good,” Kelly answered him.

“Wow, did you see the play the Rams just made?”

“Wasn’t really watching.”

“Holt just pulled down that pass with one hand. You say you wanted Chinese?”

“No, Tony. You didn’t listen, again.”

“It was a joke. I knew you said pizza.” After all, there’s only one other choice. Tony paused, almost afraid to ask. “What kind of pizza do you want?”

Kelly picked up the remote and turned off the television. “Tony, I told you what kind I wanted!”

“I was just joking.”

“No you weren’t! You weren’t listening! You remember the time I asked you to pick me up after work because my usual ride got sick and had to leave early? You said you didn’t hear the part about picking me up. I waited for over an hour in the rain before I caught a cab home. And how about the time I asked you which dress I should buy for Joann’s wedding. I bought the one you suggested and then you had the gall to tell me it didn’t look that good on me. I get so damned tired of you paying attention to anything but me. I think I’ve heard this 'kidding' and all of your other excuses for the last time. Why don’t you just leave?”

“What?”

“You heard me. Get the hell out of here!”

“You’re kidding, right?”

“You think I’m kidding? Get out of here or you’ll be singing soprano instead of bass.” Kelly got up from the kitchen table and took a couple of steps to the kitchen counter. She opened a drawer and took out a butcher knife. “And come to think of it, your real crowning glory was telling Manny what I asked to keep to yourself, but you forgot the keeping-it-to-yourself part. That cost my sister her marriage!” She stood glaring at him. “Now, want to take a chance?” she said waving the knife at him.

“Hey, look, take it easy. I’ll get out.” Tony got up and headed for the door.

“Only do something different this time. Don’t come back.”

“Ok, Kelly. Ok. Calm down. I’m goin’.” Tony wasn’t sure whether she meant it or not. They had arguments in the past where she had asked him to leave, but she had never picked up a weapon. He decided he wasn’t willing to take the chance. He would leave now and call her when she calmed down.

Tony slowly and quietly closed the door to Kelly’s apartment. Once out in the hall, he allowed himself to take a deep breath. He went over to the elevator. He pressed the down button and watched as the arrow crept up the fifteen floors to where he was. When the doors finally opened, he got on the empty elevator and began his seemingly unending descent to the lobby. She does this every morning! Riding something this slow would start my day off wrong everyday.

The parking lot for the apartment buildings was in front. He went out the front door, walked down the sidewalk, and went to his car. He stood looking up at her window. The light was still on. He knew he loved her and felt he was really being stupid. It was then he got an idea. He checked his watch. There was still time.

He went to a local discount store and picked up the things he needed. Two hours later, he was back in front of Kelly’s apartment building. He climbed a tree on the north side of the sidewalk and tied the end of a length of clothesline he bought to it. He then climbed down and went to a tree on the south side. He tied the other end of the clothesline up in that tree.

He got the bed sheets out of the trunk of his car that he had taken to his house and worked on. He hung one on the north side of the sidewalk. He had used red spray paint a message on it. “Kelly, I love you!” The sheet he hung on the south side said, “Please marry me, Tony.” He stood back to admire his handy work. There’s no way she can miss these when she comes out to go to work in the morning.

Just then a police car pulled up in front of the building. The car stopped and the man inside turned on the red lights. He then got out of the car. “Evenin’”

“Good evening, officer.”

“May I ask what you’re doing?”

Tony looked down, sheepishly. “Well, my girlfriend and I had an argument. I was trying to find a unique way to apologize to her.”

The officer grinned. “Well, that’s unique, but do you have a permit to put up these signs?”

“A permit?”

“Yes, a permit. City ordinances require that anyone erecting signs in their front yard have a permit.”

“Oh, this isn’t my front yard. I don’t live here.”

“So now you’re also defacing private property. 'Fraid you’re gonna have to come downtown with me.”

“What? You’re going to arrest me?”

“On two counts now. Putting up signs without a permit and defacing private property.”

“Well, that’s just stupid!”

“You want to come along peacefully or do you want me to add resisting arrest to the charges?” The officer put his hand on his baton. “Now turn around and put your hands behind your back.”

“You’re gonna put handcuffs on me?”

“Department policy for transporting prisoners.”

“Look, how about if I just take the signs down?”

“Please turn around, sir, and put your hands behind your back.”

When Tony turned around, he noticed several people looking out their windows. Apparently the flashing lights had attracted them. He glanced over at Kelly’s window. She was standing there watching.

Tony’s ride to the police station was not comfortable. He was handcuffed and placed in the back seat of the car where a cage separated him from the driver. There were also no door handles on the inside of the doors.

Once at the station, he was fingerprinted and a mug shot was taken. He had no money with him since he changed into old clothes to do the painting. He forgot to put his wallet and money back into his old pants before he left his house. There was no way to make bail.

He was allowed one phone call. He anxiously called Kelly. Her phone rang four times, and then the answering machine picked up. “Kelly, this is Tony. Please come down to the Overland Street Police Station. I’m in sort of a jamb and need some bail money.” He hung up having the feeling she was probably standing in her apartment listening to him and laughing her butt off. He was taken to a cell.

The cell was a 5 x 8 room with no windows. A concrete slab with a blanket folded on it served as the bed. There was a toilet and wash bowl at the far end. Tony sat down on the bed. What the hell have I gotten myself into this time? If I wouldn’t have been so hard headed, none of this would be happening. I sure hope she comes right down with the bail money, but I have serious doubts. He spread the blanket out on the bed. He laid on half of it and covered himself as best he could with the other half. It seemed he heard every noise in the jail house all through the night.

At seven-thirty the next morning, a jailer came to get him and take into the main jail. Kelly was standing there.

“Why didn’t you come last night?” he blurted out.

“Well, I listened to your message. Maybe I didn’t hear the part about when you wanted me to get here.”

Tony looked at the floor. “Guess I deserved that, didn’t I?”

“Yes, you did, but if you think you can remember what it was like for a long, long time, the answer is yes!”